Depressed

So I'm still fat. Yep. Fat. F-A-T. Fat.

Life sucks, and at least point I would do anything to be thin.

I have not gotten to this low point many times in my life, but I feel like I am at my lowest - concerning how I feel and my self esteem - which is ZERO.

I can't even look in the mirror without thinking I look like I am 300 lbs. I hate everything about my body - everything. I now only wear pajama pants and a hoodie, jeans and hoodie, or something oversized to hide my body, otherwise I feel "stuffed" into everything that is my closet.

I have gained weight. It's the truth. And I can't deny it. And all I have to blame is myself.

I have gained at least 25 lbs, which makes me want to vomit as I write it. I was a size 12! a size 12 last summer! Then - Tracy Turnblad happened. I should have NEVER gained weight for "hairspray" back in November, I regret it with everything I am. And it makes me even more depressed I let myself do it, and then not get right back on track with the show ended. I am just soooo sick with myself, I just hate myself for it.

Tonight I am feeling so over-stressed, lonely, fat, disgusting, and so many other crazy and emotions.

The only good note I can share is that I did join a gym which makes me feel better. The fact that I have somewhere to go to workout - no more excuses. No more. Now it's just getting into a regime.....I guess it's easier said than done.

Goodnight for now.

Getting upset just talking about how f&%*ing fat I am.

Thanks.

Excited!!!

Well to start off with I have had a great few days back to eating healthy! I have cut down on the carbs big time and loaded up on protein. I feel like I have more energy and I am not so sluggish like I normally am in the afternoon. I also quit smoking!!! It's only been a little over a week, but that is still such an accomplishment for me! I bought the electronic cigarette, and it's really helping me kick the habit :-) Now if I can just get my ass into gear with the working out, I'd be feeling even better! But one thing at a time I guess :-)

Also, this has been a very big weekend for me!!!

So a couple weeks ago I read that Chicago was going to host auditions for the reality television show The Biggest Loser on Saturday the 19th. So I contemplated the opportunity and figured, what I have to loose?? (no pun intended). In attending the Chicago casting call for The Biggest Loser I was one of 600+ auditionee's lining up outside NBC studios at 6am that morning. It was freezing cold, and it was known that the doors wouldn't be opening until 10am. There were people camped out overnight, with chairs, mattresses, blankets, etc...and all I had one my coat, mis-matching gloves and a scarf ha ha! As I stood in line (the 78th in line to be exact) I met an amazing family in front of me "The Carders" from Grand Rapids, Michigan - a 3 hour drive! - Andrea is 23 and her mother and sister came with to cheer her on - how wonderful is that?! They were super nice people, and even held my place in line as I took coffee breaks and bathroom breaks - which were well needed with spending 4 hours in line! They also gave me some foot warmers, since my toes were like ice cubes (i was a stupid chicagoan and wore mesh running shoes and the cold just had a field day with my toes!)

At around 9am, we started seeing other camera crews pass by, taking pictures and video feed, and even Entertainment Tonight passed by to interview some of the people in line - and yes you guessed it, I was one of the people they interviewed! Unfortunately my video was not posted on their website - but none-the-less it was a great experience to be interviewed by the camera crew! So it's around 10am and the line starts moving and we start seeing the people being brought in. I finally reach the front doors and then it hits me "this is really happening! I am here auditioning for a reality show!". So we're inside and we're in line waiting to get brought up to the elevator. While in line all of sudden I see Jerry Hayes! He looked amazing and was so nice to all of us in line, he even hugged me for good luck! Then it came time to get in the elevator. I had no idea what to expect and was extremely nervous.

When we arrived on the correct floor, we stood up against a wall and just waited to get called in casting room. Upon entering the room I saw three tables set up in the room, each complete with a casting director and there was also a video guy hangin' around. I sat at this table with the casting director named Donna Goodrow - who was super nice! There was about 8 to a table, and she asked that I start it off and asked that we all state our names, ages, what we do and where we are from. After each person did that, she then said that each of us had 1 minute to tell her about ourselves, and to impress them with our personality. I ended up going last and was really feeling good about my little "audition". But then I see everyone present a recent picture of themselves and their all talking about their audition videos they submitted. I had neither. No idea that I needed them. But I figured "oh well" it is what is and figured my chances were very slim no that I didn't have all the required documents. So we were then dismissed - that was it! All those hours of waiting for a 10 minute meeting with 7 other hopefuls and 1 little minute to sell yourself - how the hell do you self yourself in 1 minute?! But oh well, it was a an experience to say the least - and a great opportunity to meet new people.

So as I was leaving with the rest of the crowd, I decided to stay back a minute and ask the casting director about the picture and the video and if it's something that I needed to have to be considered for the show. She said "not at all, you are perfectly fine". Then she said "do you have a minute by the way", of course I said yes! She then got my form I filled out and asked "So where is your best friend and boyfriend today?" See, there was a question on the form that mentioned "is there anyone you know that in your opinion needs to be on the show? if so name their name and how much they have to loose" so I mentioned Chris and Lauren. So moving on, she asked me where they were and I told her they were busy and couldn't make it. She then proceeded to tell me to make sure than when I went home to call my best friend and tell my boyfriend to keep their schedules open for the nest few days just in case I got a callback. I said "will do" and left. I took everything she said with a grain of salt, I mean I had no picture, no video, and how was she was going to remember me with 600 other people? Whatever. So I went home and just thought "that was fun and it was worth having a day off of work!" :-)

So I got home around 3ish and around 5:30 my phone rings. "Hi Gina this is Donna from the Biggest Loser"....what??!!!! I started to freak out! She then said "Just calling to say congratulations, you have made to the next step with becoming a contestant on the Biggest Loser"......is this really happening?! It was real all right! They wanted to make an appointment for a one-on-one interview with my me, my best friend and boyfriend. Within minutes of hanging up I called Lauren and talked to Chris and we planned to go at the available time, Tuesday the 22nd at Noon - I was shocked all day long, honestly! I just got a callback for the Biggest Loser?!

So today was the interview and boy was it freakin' amazing! So fun, so casual and friendly! They first took Chris and I and then Lauren and I for on-camera interviews and they were so much fun! I wasn't nervous at all (shockingly enough!) - and it was really like hanging out with some friends and there just happened to be a camera in the room lol! Donna Goodrow and Brandon Nickens were the casting directors, and they were just awesome! We had such a good time, and just felt so good with the interviews!

After it was all over, they informed us that if we don't hear back from anyone in the next few weeks to just assume you did not make it onto the next level - which the next level is being flown out to California for 9 days to meet with everyone from the show, have another interview and get cleared by a doctor. From there if you make it onto the show, you then have a week to go back home get your stuff and then it's off to the ranch to change your life!

So right now I am just keeping my fingers crossed! I would love to make it onto the next level (can you imagine? all the way to LA to meet with the head honcho's of the show? crazy!) I really feel I have a lot to offer the show and I would be an inspiration to many. With my fabulous personality how can you go wrong?! They'd be dumb not to cast me! :-)

Well that was my amazing weekend that filtered into the beginning of my week! Still in shock! Hope they like our interviews!!

It's been a while.....

Hello all....

yes I know it's been a long time....

a very long time.....

I dread catching you all up on what I've been up to, but in short here it is.

Over the summer I was involved in show called "Do Black Patent Leather Shoes Really Reflect Up?" in which I saw my lowest weight - 199 pounds (88 pounds down!), and I was actually fitting into some size 12 pants. The show went wonderfully and I even went on vacation to S. George Island in Florida and still kept the weight at the same number [due to running 5 out of the 7 days we were there, at least 3 miles each run].

Summer was over and there were auditions for "Hairspray" on the north side of Chicago. Now anyone who knows me knows that show is a dream for me. So I auditioned - and I got the role! What a dream come true. Except for hearing at the first meeting from the director "so, do you have a problem in gaining any weight for the role?" WHAT?! Gaining weight?? I have been struggling for 3+ years in loosing the weight and now I have to gain it? I asked if I could be padded, and they said they really didn't want to do that...whatever.....so now it was decision time.

So I made the hardest decision I have had to make in a very long time......

to gain some weight back for the show. I wanted the character to look as realistic

to the character description as possible, and of course I will do anything for a role.

It's just how I am.

It was a BIG decision and believe me. And I really, really thought about it. I figured I could get right back on track when the show ended in November, and I wouldn't gain more than 15 pounds. Those were my guidelines.

Well, in the beginning it was very hard to gain the weight - oddly enough. My body had to go through some major changes. With the overdose of calories and the dancing and working out I was doing 4 times a week was counteracting each other and I couldn't gain anything. But eventually I gained about 8 pounds before opening night and within the three weeks for the showtimes I gained a total of 15 pounds. My maximum that I wanted to gain.

The show ended and I was excited to get back on track. Not so easy. Not easy at all. Thanks to Thanksgiving.....Christmas....New Years....freakin' holidays. I gained even more weight....5 pounds to be exact....so it was January and I was up 20 pounds since August. My weight - 219 to be exact. And I was back in my 14's and some were getting a little tight.

It's now February, and I am still holding on to those 20 pounds. I feel absolutely horrible. depressed. disgusted and just have no self worth. How could I allow myself to do that?? How could I let myself back track and get to a point where I am starting to have no control over what I eat anymore. Food is winning and it's killing me to admit that.

My old clothes don't fit that wore over the summer during "Shoes". My shirts are tight. My boobs are bigger. My double chin is coming back. I look bloated in pictures. and I hate going out in public cause I feel like this 20 pounds looks like 80. It's just a horrible, horrible, feeling.

I know I have to get back on track, but it's just sooooo hard. I don't know what kind of inspiration I need to get back to running, working out and eating healthy, but it needs to happen stat.

I am so afraid I am going to go back to being almost 300 pounds. It scares me to death.

I need a new plan. I need a new mindset. I need a new everything.

My big weight loss that took me so long to accomplish cannot be in vein.

I need to keep going!

My Barbra Video!

Hello gorgeous!! I know this post has nothing to do with weight loss etc... but I am literally posting this video everywhere I can, I would love to see it get lots and lots of views! You can probably guess who I would love for it to get to :) Thanks for viewing and always supporting me!!

P.s. If you don't know what this video entails here is a quick story: Barbra Streisand was having a video submission contest "Show Us Your Best Barbra" and if you won, you could have won tickets to see Barbra perform live in New York City at the Village Vangaurd. Well I contacted a good friend of mine who runs his own production company (Rhapsody Productions) and asked him for hims for his help - and since I had just recently played Fanny Brice in "Funny Girl" we chose "Don't Rain on My Parade", I also included audio footage of myself singing Barbra tunes as a young kid and video footage of me performing Barbra tunes in my bedroom as a pre-teen - to show how long she has been a part of my life. My video did not win the contest, but I will forever be thankful to Rocco and Kyle to allowing me to have a video that encompasses my love and dedication to Ms. Streisand.

The Hungry Hippo....

So since I did not have a chance to eat breakfast this morning at work, I was starving all morning and mid afternoon. When I got cut it was around 2pm...and I could have eaten a cow. I was debating back and forth "burger....or salad....burger....or salad"...I came to a happy medium and decided to have a salad and a BLT sandwich with some roast turkey, on whole wheat toast of course. The lunch did it's job. I was full and felt good about my choice.

It was a very hot day today and I knew I was not going to get a workout done in that weather outside, so I thought when I got home I'd check my mail and then go on the treadmill. FAIL. I fell asleep from 3:30 until 6:20pm...and when I woke up what was the first thing I thought about....you guessed...food. Why is that the first thing on my mind? Why couldn't "what's on tv" or "let me workout"...be the first thing on my mind. Do you ever find yourself thinking about food as soon as you wakeup?

Well, I had a mean taste for sushi...but my Chris (my boyfriend) doesn't like sushi at all, so that was pretty much out of the question. The joint decision in the end was mexican. I had about 1000 calories left for the today so I wasn't that upset we were going for mexican food. When we got there, I pretty much inhaled chips and salsa, I was extremely hungry and no idea why...I had just eaten at 2:30 and this was about 8 now, so I shouldn't have been that starving. I felt myself getting super full on chips so I tapered off and ordered my steak fajitas with corn tortilla shells.

When they arrived I had two helpings and I felt filled to brim. As we were putting or stuff away in boxes and what not, I had this sudden urge and taste for dessert.....like I needed something sweet before we got in that car and went home. We ended up ordering a big deep fried tortilla, covered in cinnamon and sugar and topped with chocolate sauce and whip cream....it was fantastic....and probably loaded with millions of calories.....but how in the world did I have room for it?? I was just complaining I was full and could not eat another single bite...but yet I was inhaling a dessert? It made no sense to me.

On the way home in my brain I kept giving myself reasons why I was so hungry..."oh well you didn't have a big lunch"; "you had just woken up"; "you are getting you're period in a week"....anything to not blame it on myself.

Everyday is such a battle, and I wake up and tell myself "today is the day you will eat healthy all day and have will power and not let fattening food take over"....and everyday I seem to fall short and cheat somehow. I have no idea how to overcome this. I get so hungry sometimes and I crave so many horrible things, and there are times a salad will not make me happy, and I get sick of chicken, and the last thing I want is another fiber cracker!

What can I possible do to stay on track ALL DAY and not just for one or two meals of the day? This hungry hippo needs help.....

Why did I eat that?

So I woke up this morning and just felt like I was going to have a good day today:

ME vs. THE FOOD.....and I was going to win.

Since I work in a restaurant as a server, it's always hard to choose the best things to eat. I had a nice early breakfast at work to get my metabolism going: two slices of wheat toast, 1 tablespoon of butter, 1 cup of coffee (only two creamers). For a snack I had some dry crunchy oats cereal and about 64 ounces of water by 11am. I had another snack around noon (a cup of veggies from the minestrone soup...no broth just the veggies). About 1:30pm I was ready for lunch; and I had a salad with chopped turkey and bacon with a pita on the side (made my own wrap), with a 3 oz souffle cup of plain vinegar and one with greek dressing.

I was feeling fantastic when I came home after have a great morning of healthy food and lots of water. I felt so good, I decided to take a 3.45 mile run. When I came home I decided to replenish my body with a small snack of peanut butter and jelly on my fiber crackers.

After that I had an event to go to, and told myself in advance I was going to allow myself

1 drink....mission accomplished!

Well the day and evening were going great for me...and then.... "Denny's" happened.

But I thought "hey they have some awesome healthy things on their menu now", and I prepared myself to eating healthy when I got to the restaurant, I mean I mentally prepared for it.

SO, explain to me, how in the world I let myself order a 1/2 order of sweet and tangy bbq wings??! I don't know what I was thinking...WHY DID I EAT THAT? It's like it was calling to me off the page of menu "you had a great today...eat me....you can work out extra tomorrow....who cares if it's late....you deserve this...".

It was the devil in disguise.

So I had 3 wings out of the 5 that were fantastically drenched in tangy barbeque sauce....then had some granola with 2% milk...2 egg whites...1 chicken sausage patty...and two bites of my wheat pancakes....it's amazing how good I ate AFTER I had the bad things....

Now I am full to the brim, it's midnight, and I am laying in bed writing this blog.

The guilt I feel right now is immense, and I seem to feel guilt after EVERYTHING I eat lately, not just the unhealthy stuff, but every time I feel "full", and I have no idea why.

But again, WHY DID I EAT THAT? What made me make that decision? I had gone in with a plan but yet totally went off of it, fully knowing how bad I would feel afterwards. It makes absolutely no sense to me....and probably never will.

So I guess it's back to the drawing board tomorrow, and maybe an even more extensive workout. Because this guilt I feel now will last into tomorrow and will not leave my brain...and ALL could have been avoided with one simple choice....to NOT order it. But it's a choice I am going to have to live with.

My story....

My name is Gina, and I am 27 years old and I have been overweight my whole life. My highest weight was 3 years ago of 287 pounds; I was a size 24 and a borderline diabetic. I have been through numerous eating disorders including a 3 year addiction with bulimia, and have taken every weight loss pill and drink on the market. I have spent thousands on weight loss programs and equipment, and have probably lost and gained over 500 pounds since the age of 5.

I thought for years I had a food obsession. I would use that line all the time "i just love food". which I do. I'm Italian, I was raised with food being shoved down my throat every night at dinner, it was insulting if you didn't go back for seconds. But I think my obsession with food runs deeper than even I am aware of and I am determined to find out where it comes from, and why there are times I am not full when everyone else is...why I have to eat dessert...why i can't pass up pizza....why my will power seems to worse than everyone around me.

My history with weight issues goes back pretty far. I could write a book about the torture I endured daily; verbally and physically from family, friends and in grades k-12. And like many of you probably reading this my stories aren't you're normal "I was called names"; when you're physically beaten up for being fat and ugly, it never leaves you and you beat yourself up emotionally about it for years to come, it isn't a fun ride as an adult.

Also, I have an obsession with my scale. It is the devil. But it's like a drug...I can't stop getting on it. It's a huge challenge not to weigh myself more than once a week, but I find myself weighing myself daily if not a few times a day. Because with most overweight women, our weight is on the brain from the minute you wake up to the minute you go to bed; can you imagine that? can you imagine every other thought all day is "how fat do I look?", "I wish I wasn't fat", "I wish I was as skinny as her", "if I was just a little thinner..." it's utterly draining.

But if you are overweight (or have been overweight), you know it's a daily struggle. It's a struggle to think you're beautiful, it's a struggle to be happy for your accomplishments, it's struggle to look in the mirror and not want to change something. And no matter how much weight you loose there is always that fat girl inside you screaming for help.

For the past 3 years I have been trying to conquer these issues, and I have lost about 85 pounds thus far on my journey. It is a big accomplishment but I still have long way to go, and I am still not happy with myself. I actually felt more confident at a size 24 than I do at 12/14, how is that possible? Is it because I didn't care when I was that big? I have no clue. The mind plays weird games. I think due to the tapering off of the weight loss and my constant hard work with calories counting and working out and still being at a stand still for about 5 months, it's discouraging and makes you feel like your 300 pounds.

And I am not creating this blog for everyone to go "poor gina", I don't wait your pity, what I want is for people to understand me, and most overweight people in general, that we come from a long line of emotional problems, it isn't just an obsession with food, it's an obsession for acceptance, and it isn't a constant need for attention, it's a constant need to be loves for who we are.

So I ask the question to all of you, are we ever thin enough? Will we ever be happy with who we are...just as we are? What is the "little fat girl" saying inside of you? How are you overcoming your weight issues?

Say what you feel.....