It's been a while.....

Hello all....

yes I know it's been a long time....

a very long time.....

I dread catching you all up on what I've been up to, but in short here it is.

Over the summer I was involved in show called "Do Black Patent Leather Shoes Really Reflect Up?" in which I saw my lowest weight - 199 pounds (88 pounds down!), and I was actually fitting into some size 12 pants. The show went wonderfully and I even went on vacation to S. George Island in Florida and still kept the weight at the same number [due to running 5 out of the 7 days we were there, at least 3 miles each run].

Summer was over and there were auditions for "Hairspray" on the north side of Chicago. Now anyone who knows me knows that show is a dream for me. So I auditioned - and I got the role! What a dream come true. Except for hearing at the first meeting from the director "so, do you have a problem in gaining any weight for the role?" WHAT?! Gaining weight?? I have been struggling for 3+ years in loosing the weight and now I have to gain it? I asked if I could be padded, and they said they really didn't want to do that...whatever.....so now it was decision time.

So I made the hardest decision I have had to make in a very long time......

to gain some weight back for the show. I wanted the character to look as realistic

to the character description as possible, and of course I will do anything for a role.

It's just how I am.

It was a BIG decision and believe me. And I really, really thought about it. I figured I could get right back on track when the show ended in November, and I wouldn't gain more than 15 pounds. Those were my guidelines.

Well, in the beginning it was very hard to gain the weight - oddly enough. My body had to go through some major changes. With the overdose of calories and the dancing and working out I was doing 4 times a week was counteracting each other and I couldn't gain anything. But eventually I gained about 8 pounds before opening night and within the three weeks for the showtimes I gained a total of 15 pounds. My maximum that I wanted to gain.

The show ended and I was excited to get back on track. Not so easy. Not easy at all. Thanks to Thanksgiving.....Christmas....New Years....freakin' holidays. I gained even more weight....5 pounds to be exact....so it was January and I was up 20 pounds since August. My weight - 219 to be exact. And I was back in my 14's and some were getting a little tight.

It's now February, and I am still holding on to those 20 pounds. I feel absolutely horrible. depressed. disgusted and just have no self worth. How could I allow myself to do that?? How could I let myself back track and get to a point where I am starting to have no control over what I eat anymore. Food is winning and it's killing me to admit that.

My old clothes don't fit that wore over the summer during "Shoes". My shirts are tight. My boobs are bigger. My double chin is coming back. I look bloated in pictures. and I hate going out in public cause I feel like this 20 pounds looks like 80. It's just a horrible, horrible, feeling.

I know I have to get back on track, but it's just sooooo hard. I don't know what kind of inspiration I need to get back to running, working out and eating healthy, but it needs to happen stat.

I am so afraid I am going to go back to being almost 300 pounds. It scares me to death.

I need a new plan. I need a new mindset. I need a new everything.

My big weight loss that took me so long to accomplish cannot be in vein.

I need to keep going!