Depressed

So I'm still fat. Yep. Fat. F-A-T. Fat.

Life sucks, and at least point I would do anything to be thin.

I have not gotten to this low point many times in my life, but I feel like I am at my lowest - concerning how I feel and my self esteem - which is ZERO.

I can't even look in the mirror without thinking I look like I am 300 lbs. I hate everything about my body - everything. I now only wear pajama pants and a hoodie, jeans and hoodie, or something oversized to hide my body, otherwise I feel "stuffed" into everything that is my closet.

I have gained weight. It's the truth. And I can't deny it. And all I have to blame is myself.

I have gained at least 25 lbs, which makes me want to vomit as I write it. I was a size 12! a size 12 last summer! Then - Tracy Turnblad happened. I should have NEVER gained weight for "hairspray" back in November, I regret it with everything I am. And it makes me even more depressed I let myself do it, and then not get right back on track with the show ended. I am just soooo sick with myself, I just hate myself for it.

Tonight I am feeling so over-stressed, lonely, fat, disgusting, and so many other crazy and emotions.

The only good note I can share is that I did join a gym which makes me feel better. The fact that I have somewhere to go to workout - no more excuses. No more. Now it's just getting into a regime.....I guess it's easier said than done.

Goodnight for now.

Getting upset just talking about how f&%*ing fat I am.

Thanks.

Excited!!!

Well to start off with I have had a great few days back to eating healthy! I have cut down on the carbs big time and loaded up on protein. I feel like I have more energy and I am not so sluggish like I normally am in the afternoon. I also quit smoking!!! It's only been a little over a week, but that is still such an accomplishment for me! I bought the electronic cigarette, and it's really helping me kick the habit :-) Now if I can just get my ass into gear with the working out, I'd be feeling even better! But one thing at a time I guess :-)

Also, this has been a very big weekend for me!!!

So a couple weeks ago I read that Chicago was going to host auditions for the reality television show The Biggest Loser on Saturday the 19th. So I contemplated the opportunity and figured, what I have to loose?? (no pun intended). In attending the Chicago casting call for The Biggest Loser I was one of 600+ auditionee's lining up outside NBC studios at 6am that morning. It was freezing cold, and it was known that the doors wouldn't be opening until 10am. There were people camped out overnight, with chairs, mattresses, blankets, etc...and all I had one my coat, mis-matching gloves and a scarf ha ha! As I stood in line (the 78th in line to be exact) I met an amazing family in front of me "The Carders" from Grand Rapids, Michigan - a 3 hour drive! - Andrea is 23 and her mother and sister came with to cheer her on - how wonderful is that?! They were super nice people, and even held my place in line as I took coffee breaks and bathroom breaks - which were well needed with spending 4 hours in line! They also gave me some foot warmers, since my toes were like ice cubes (i was a stupid chicagoan and wore mesh running shoes and the cold just had a field day with my toes!)

At around 9am, we started seeing other camera crews pass by, taking pictures and video feed, and even Entertainment Tonight passed by to interview some of the people in line - and yes you guessed it, I was one of the people they interviewed! Unfortunately my video was not posted on their website - but none-the-less it was a great experience to be interviewed by the camera crew! So it's around 10am and the line starts moving and we start seeing the people being brought in. I finally reach the front doors and then it hits me "this is really happening! I am here auditioning for a reality show!". So we're inside and we're in line waiting to get brought up to the elevator. While in line all of sudden I see Jerry Hayes! He looked amazing and was so nice to all of us in line, he even hugged me for good luck! Then it came time to get in the elevator. I had no idea what to expect and was extremely nervous.

When we arrived on the correct floor, we stood up against a wall and just waited to get called in casting room. Upon entering the room I saw three tables set up in the room, each complete with a casting director and there was also a video guy hangin' around. I sat at this table with the casting director named Donna Goodrow - who was super nice! There was about 8 to a table, and she asked that I start it off and asked that we all state our names, ages, what we do and where we are from. After each person did that, she then said that each of us had 1 minute to tell her about ourselves, and to impress them with our personality. I ended up going last and was really feeling good about my little "audition". But then I see everyone present a recent picture of themselves and their all talking about their audition videos they submitted. I had neither. No idea that I needed them. But I figured "oh well" it is what is and figured my chances were very slim no that I didn't have all the required documents. So we were then dismissed - that was it! All those hours of waiting for a 10 minute meeting with 7 other hopefuls and 1 little minute to sell yourself - how the hell do you self yourself in 1 minute?! But oh well, it was a an experience to say the least - and a great opportunity to meet new people.

So as I was leaving with the rest of the crowd, I decided to stay back a minute and ask the casting director about the picture and the video and if it's something that I needed to have to be considered for the show. She said "not at all, you are perfectly fine". Then she said "do you have a minute by the way", of course I said yes! She then got my form I filled out and asked "So where is your best friend and boyfriend today?" See, there was a question on the form that mentioned "is there anyone you know that in your opinion needs to be on the show? if so name their name and how much they have to loose" so I mentioned Chris and Lauren. So moving on, she asked me where they were and I told her they were busy and couldn't make it. She then proceeded to tell me to make sure than when I went home to call my best friend and tell my boyfriend to keep their schedules open for the nest few days just in case I got a callback. I said "will do" and left. I took everything she said with a grain of salt, I mean I had no picture, no video, and how was she was going to remember me with 600 other people? Whatever. So I went home and just thought "that was fun and it was worth having a day off of work!" :-)

So I got home around 3ish and around 5:30 my phone rings. "Hi Gina this is Donna from the Biggest Loser"....what??!!!! I started to freak out! She then said "Just calling to say congratulations, you have made to the next step with becoming a contestant on the Biggest Loser"......is this really happening?! It was real all right! They wanted to make an appointment for a one-on-one interview with my me, my best friend and boyfriend. Within minutes of hanging up I called Lauren and talked to Chris and we planned to go at the available time, Tuesday the 22nd at Noon - I was shocked all day long, honestly! I just got a callback for the Biggest Loser?!

So today was the interview and boy was it freakin' amazing! So fun, so casual and friendly! They first took Chris and I and then Lauren and I for on-camera interviews and they were so much fun! I wasn't nervous at all (shockingly enough!) - and it was really like hanging out with some friends and there just happened to be a camera in the room lol! Donna Goodrow and Brandon Nickens were the casting directors, and they were just awesome! We had such a good time, and just felt so good with the interviews!

After it was all over, they informed us that if we don't hear back from anyone in the next few weeks to just assume you did not make it onto the next level - which the next level is being flown out to California for 9 days to meet with everyone from the show, have another interview and get cleared by a doctor. From there if you make it onto the show, you then have a week to go back home get your stuff and then it's off to the ranch to change your life!

So right now I am just keeping my fingers crossed! I would love to make it onto the next level (can you imagine? all the way to LA to meet with the head honcho's of the show? crazy!) I really feel I have a lot to offer the show and I would be an inspiration to many. With my fabulous personality how can you go wrong?! They'd be dumb not to cast me! :-)

Well that was my amazing weekend that filtered into the beginning of my week! Still in shock! Hope they like our interviews!!

It's been a while.....

Hello all....

yes I know it's been a long time....

a very long time.....

I dread catching you all up on what I've been up to, but in short here it is.

Over the summer I was involved in show called "Do Black Patent Leather Shoes Really Reflect Up?" in which I saw my lowest weight - 199 pounds (88 pounds down!), and I was actually fitting into some size 12 pants. The show went wonderfully and I even went on vacation to S. George Island in Florida and still kept the weight at the same number [due to running 5 out of the 7 days we were there, at least 3 miles each run].

Summer was over and there were auditions for "Hairspray" on the north side of Chicago. Now anyone who knows me knows that show is a dream for me. So I auditioned - and I got the role! What a dream come true. Except for hearing at the first meeting from the director "so, do you have a problem in gaining any weight for the role?" WHAT?! Gaining weight?? I have been struggling for 3+ years in loosing the weight and now I have to gain it? I asked if I could be padded, and they said they really didn't want to do that...whatever.....so now it was decision time.

So I made the hardest decision I have had to make in a very long time......

to gain some weight back for the show. I wanted the character to look as realistic

to the character description as possible, and of course I will do anything for a role.

It's just how I am.

It was a BIG decision and believe me. And I really, really thought about it. I figured I could get right back on track when the show ended in November, and I wouldn't gain more than 15 pounds. Those were my guidelines.

Well, in the beginning it was very hard to gain the weight - oddly enough. My body had to go through some major changes. With the overdose of calories and the dancing and working out I was doing 4 times a week was counteracting each other and I couldn't gain anything. But eventually I gained about 8 pounds before opening night and within the three weeks for the showtimes I gained a total of 15 pounds. My maximum that I wanted to gain.

The show ended and I was excited to get back on track. Not so easy. Not easy at all. Thanks to Thanksgiving.....Christmas....New Years....freakin' holidays. I gained even more weight....5 pounds to be exact....so it was January and I was up 20 pounds since August. My weight - 219 to be exact. And I was back in my 14's and some were getting a little tight.

It's now February, and I am still holding on to those 20 pounds. I feel absolutely horrible. depressed. disgusted and just have no self worth. How could I allow myself to do that?? How could I let myself back track and get to a point where I am starting to have no control over what I eat anymore. Food is winning and it's killing me to admit that.

My old clothes don't fit that wore over the summer during "Shoes". My shirts are tight. My boobs are bigger. My double chin is coming back. I look bloated in pictures. and I hate going out in public cause I feel like this 20 pounds looks like 80. It's just a horrible, horrible, feeling.

I know I have to get back on track, but it's just sooooo hard. I don't know what kind of inspiration I need to get back to running, working out and eating healthy, but it needs to happen stat.

I am so afraid I am going to go back to being almost 300 pounds. It scares me to death.

I need a new plan. I need a new mindset. I need a new everything.

My big weight loss that took me so long to accomplish cannot be in vein.

I need to keep going!