My Barbra Video!

Hello gorgeous!! I know this post has nothing to do with weight loss etc... but I am literally posting this video everywhere I can, I would love to see it get lots and lots of views! You can probably guess who I would love for it to get to :) Thanks for viewing and always supporting me!!

P.s. If you don't know what this video entails here is a quick story: Barbra Streisand was having a video submission contest "Show Us Your Best Barbra" and if you won, you could have won tickets to see Barbra perform live in New York City at the Village Vangaurd. Well I contacted a good friend of mine who runs his own production company (Rhapsody Productions) and asked him for hims for his help - and since I had just recently played Fanny Brice in "Funny Girl" we chose "Don't Rain on My Parade", I also included audio footage of myself singing Barbra tunes as a young kid and video footage of me performing Barbra tunes in my bedroom as a pre-teen - to show how long she has been a part of my life. My video did not win the contest, but I will forever be thankful to Rocco and Kyle to allowing me to have a video that encompasses my love and dedication to Ms. Streisand.

The Hungry Hippo....

So since I did not have a chance to eat breakfast this morning at work, I was starving all morning and mid afternoon. When I got cut it was around 2pm...and I could have eaten a cow. I was debating back and forth "burger....or salad....burger....or salad"...I came to a happy medium and decided to have a salad and a BLT sandwich with some roast turkey, on whole wheat toast of course. The lunch did it's job. I was full and felt good about my choice.

It was a very hot day today and I knew I was not going to get a workout done in that weather outside, so I thought when I got home I'd check my mail and then go on the treadmill. FAIL. I fell asleep from 3:30 until 6:20pm...and when I woke up what was the first thing I thought about....you guessed...food. Why is that the first thing on my mind? Why couldn't "what's on tv" or "let me workout"...be the first thing on my mind. Do you ever find yourself thinking about food as soon as you wakeup?

Well, I had a mean taste for sushi...but my Chris (my boyfriend) doesn't like sushi at all, so that was pretty much out of the question. The joint decision in the end was mexican. I had about 1000 calories left for the today so I wasn't that upset we were going for mexican food. When we got there, I pretty much inhaled chips and salsa, I was extremely hungry and no idea why...I had just eaten at 2:30 and this was about 8 now, so I shouldn't have been that starving. I felt myself getting super full on chips so I tapered off and ordered my steak fajitas with corn tortilla shells.

When they arrived I had two helpings and I felt filled to brim. As we were putting or stuff away in boxes and what not, I had this sudden urge and taste for dessert.....like I needed something sweet before we got in that car and went home. We ended up ordering a big deep fried tortilla, covered in cinnamon and sugar and topped with chocolate sauce and whip cream....it was fantastic....and probably loaded with millions of calories.....but how in the world did I have room for it?? I was just complaining I was full and could not eat another single bite...but yet I was inhaling a dessert? It made no sense to me.

On the way home in my brain I kept giving myself reasons why I was so hungry..."oh well you didn't have a big lunch"; "you had just woken up"; "you are getting you're period in a week"....anything to not blame it on myself.

Everyday is such a battle, and I wake up and tell myself "today is the day you will eat healthy all day and have will power and not let fattening food take over"....and everyday I seem to fall short and cheat somehow. I have no idea how to overcome this. I get so hungry sometimes and I crave so many horrible things, and there are times a salad will not make me happy, and I get sick of chicken, and the last thing I want is another fiber cracker!

What can I possible do to stay on track ALL DAY and not just for one or two meals of the day? This hungry hippo needs help.....

Why did I eat that?

So I woke up this morning and just felt like I was going to have a good day today:

ME vs. THE FOOD.....and I was going to win.

Since I work in a restaurant as a server, it's always hard to choose the best things to eat. I had a nice early breakfast at work to get my metabolism going: two slices of wheat toast, 1 tablespoon of butter, 1 cup of coffee (only two creamers). For a snack I had some dry crunchy oats cereal and about 64 ounces of water by 11am. I had another snack around noon (a cup of veggies from the minestrone soup...no broth just the veggies). About 1:30pm I was ready for lunch; and I had a salad with chopped turkey and bacon with a pita on the side (made my own wrap), with a 3 oz souffle cup of plain vinegar and one with greek dressing.

I was feeling fantastic when I came home after have a great morning of healthy food and lots of water. I felt so good, I decided to take a 3.45 mile run. When I came home I decided to replenish my body with a small snack of peanut butter and jelly on my fiber crackers.

After that I had an event to go to, and told myself in advance I was going to allow myself

1 drink....mission accomplished!

Well the day and evening were going great for me...and then.... "Denny's" happened.

But I thought "hey they have some awesome healthy things on their menu now", and I prepared myself to eating healthy when I got to the restaurant, I mean I mentally prepared for it.

SO, explain to me, how in the world I let myself order a 1/2 order of sweet and tangy bbq wings??! I don't know what I was thinking...WHY DID I EAT THAT? It's like it was calling to me off the page of menu "you had a great today...eat me....you can work out extra tomorrow....who cares if it's late....you deserve this...".

It was the devil in disguise.

So I had 3 wings out of the 5 that were fantastically drenched in tangy barbeque sauce....then had some granola with 2% milk...2 egg whites...1 chicken sausage patty...and two bites of my wheat pancakes....it's amazing how good I ate AFTER I had the bad things....

Now I am full to the brim, it's midnight, and I am laying in bed writing this blog.

The guilt I feel right now is immense, and I seem to feel guilt after EVERYTHING I eat lately, not just the unhealthy stuff, but every time I feel "full", and I have no idea why.

But again, WHY DID I EAT THAT? What made me make that decision? I had gone in with a plan but yet totally went off of it, fully knowing how bad I would feel afterwards. It makes absolutely no sense to me....and probably never will.

So I guess it's back to the drawing board tomorrow, and maybe an even more extensive workout. Because this guilt I feel now will last into tomorrow and will not leave my brain...and ALL could have been avoided with one simple choice....to NOT order it. But it's a choice I am going to have to live with.

My story....

My name is Gina, and I am 27 years old and I have been overweight my whole life. My highest weight was 3 years ago of 287 pounds; I was a size 24 and a borderline diabetic. I have been through numerous eating disorders including a 3 year addiction with bulimia, and have taken every weight loss pill and drink on the market. I have spent thousands on weight loss programs and equipment, and have probably lost and gained over 500 pounds since the age of 5.

I thought for years I had a food obsession. I would use that line all the time "i just love food". which I do. I'm Italian, I was raised with food being shoved down my throat every night at dinner, it was insulting if you didn't go back for seconds. But I think my obsession with food runs deeper than even I am aware of and I am determined to find out where it comes from, and why there are times I am not full when everyone else is...why I have to eat dessert...why i can't pass up pizza....why my will power seems to worse than everyone around me.

My history with weight issues goes back pretty far. I could write a book about the torture I endured daily; verbally and physically from family, friends and in grades k-12. And like many of you probably reading this my stories aren't you're normal "I was called names"; when you're physically beaten up for being fat and ugly, it never leaves you and you beat yourself up emotionally about it for years to come, it isn't a fun ride as an adult.

Also, I have an obsession with my scale. It is the devil. But it's like a drug...I can't stop getting on it. It's a huge challenge not to weigh myself more than once a week, but I find myself weighing myself daily if not a few times a day. Because with most overweight women, our weight is on the brain from the minute you wake up to the minute you go to bed; can you imagine that? can you imagine every other thought all day is "how fat do I look?", "I wish I wasn't fat", "I wish I was as skinny as her", "if I was just a little thinner..." it's utterly draining.

But if you are overweight (or have been overweight), you know it's a daily struggle. It's a struggle to think you're beautiful, it's a struggle to be happy for your accomplishments, it's struggle to look in the mirror and not want to change something. And no matter how much weight you loose there is always that fat girl inside you screaming for help.

For the past 3 years I have been trying to conquer these issues, and I have lost about 85 pounds thus far on my journey. It is a big accomplishment but I still have long way to go, and I am still not happy with myself. I actually felt more confident at a size 24 than I do at 12/14, how is that possible? Is it because I didn't care when I was that big? I have no clue. The mind plays weird games. I think due to the tapering off of the weight loss and my constant hard work with calories counting and working out and still being at a stand still for about 5 months, it's discouraging and makes you feel like your 300 pounds.

And I am not creating this blog for everyone to go "poor gina", I don't wait your pity, what I want is for people to understand me, and most overweight people in general, that we come from a long line of emotional problems, it isn't just an obsession with food, it's an obsession for acceptance, and it isn't a constant need for attention, it's a constant need to be loves for who we are.

So I ask the question to all of you, are we ever thin enough? Will we ever be happy with who we are...just as we are? What is the "little fat girl" saying inside of you? How are you overcoming your weight issues?

Say what you feel.....